Despite the old wives’ tale claiming that it will make you go blind, it turns out that its real power is in longevity. In that case, there are some staff here at TDYT who will probably live forever.

Of course, we are referring to rubbing one out. You know… spanking the monkey. Choking the chicken? Stroking the muskrat? Juicing the plum, Jerkin’ your gherkin, Flogging the bishop? Still confused? How about Spanking Elvis, Punching the Clown, Making out with Rosy Palm and her four sisters (or Tom Thumb and his four brothers if you prefer). Polishing your knob, Pumping the piston? What about Beat the Beaver, Flickin’ the Bean, Paddling the Pink Canoe, Rubbin’ the Nubbin, Tickling the Taco (Didn’t want to leave the ladies out).

OK, that is about as much junior high humor as I can muster this morning. I leave you in the words of Cyndi Lauper…
She bop–he bop–a–we bop
I bop–you bop–a–they bop
Be bop–be bop–a–lu–she bop…