Despite a complete lack of service in the majority of the country, a one in ten defect rate, the utter inability to change the user interface at all, and the strange disappearance of Flash and Java, Apple has decided that instead of focusing its efforts on fixing the problematic iPhone, it would instead simply add more features to it.

Certain new perks, such as the prophylactic plug-in, are sure to help people forget that as a cell phone, it just sucks. Steve Jobs was overheard saying “We at Apple hope that these new features can return the iPhone to the marketing frenzy it enjoyed before people actually bought the product and discovered that it was a turd…”