Cambridge, MA - Students at MIT have linked premature retardation in people that have used common paste glue as hair care products. The initial research was spawned when students found a link between people who ate glue as children and later grew up to be conspiracy theorists.

“You wouln’t believe the numbers if I told you”, stated Dr. Williams head of the research. “Every single idiot we could find had at some time put glue in their hair. What are the odds of that.”